(I am pleased to welcome a long-time, veteran, work-life colleague, Pat Katepoo, founder of WorkOptions.com, as guest blogger. Online since 1997, Pat has equipped thousands of working mothers and others to request a flexible work arrangement at their current job.  Today, Pat is sharing strategies to help new moms maximize their maternity leave.)

Suppose some friends have invited you to join them for dinner at a casual restaurant. The menu is varied and has some acceptable choices, but nothing particularly appealing to you.

Then you spot a menu item that would suit your appetite perfectly if there was one ingredient switch.

Would you ask for the change? Or would you simply settle for something listed on the menu, as is?

If you’re a woman, more than likely you would settle for “as is.”

That’s not a statement of stereotype; it’s backed by ample studies which reveal women are far less likely than men to ask for what they want–or even recognize the options available to them.

In the book, Women Don’t Ask, authors Linda Babock and Sara Laschever do an extensive review of the empirical evidence which exposes dramatic gender-based differences in negotiating behavior.

They conclude that, as a “result of powerful social influences,” women have an “impaired sense of entitlement.” They often “assume that they are stuck with their circumstances” and refrain from asking for what they want.

Sound familiar? And it’s not age-related; younger women are impacted as much as older ones.

ASKING BEHAVIOR AND WORK-LIFE FIT

Over the years, I’ve observed a persistent pattern of nervousness about negotiating among the many women I’ve helped to propose a flexible work arrangement to their manager.

In the early years, I was baffled by this; here were highly accomplished career professionals expressing fear about asking for flexibility, as well as strong doubts about getting management approval.

They were in a strong position to ask, (AKA having high leverage), yet they often needed negotiation coaching and a confidence boost. Why?

The “why” became clear when I read Women Don’t Ask. The fear of asking, the low expectations, the safe targets, and the social drivers behind it all, explained a lot of what I saw.

I still see women’s “asking behavior” as a barrier to getting the work+life fit they need and want. Without prompting or guidance, many women simply won’t make the request.

It’s why Cali’s thorough treatment of “seeing the possibilities” and “asking and getting to yes” in the early chapters of her Work+Life book is so critical to fostering a desired outcome. And of immense more importance to one’s quality of life than switching out the grilled chicken for shrimp at dinner!

OPTIONS ARE WIDE OPEN FOR MATERNITY LEAVE

Focusing on possibilities sheds some positive light on an otherwise dim picture of maternity leave benefits in America.

What are the options for asking when the current maternity leave menu for most pregnant working women is lukewarm hodgepodge stew? (The recipe being a confusing mix of paid and unpaid time off– and not enough of it.)

In a perfect world, public policy and employer practices would drive better choices. Meanwhile, as with a flexible work-life fit, there are possibilities for something more than what’s offered IF women recognize their options, prepare their case, and present it in a professional manner–including a written proposal–then ASK for it.

That’s the purpose behind giving away free copies of Max Maternity Leave Proposal Template & Negotiation Guide.

In the 2011 version, I recommend a three-step strategy for getting a better-than-standard maternity leave. The third step is this: negotiate for leave terms that surpass the policy, whether there is one or not. Put another way, the given maternity leave menu options should be seen as the starting point. Asking for more expands the menu.

It might sound gutsy, but Max Maternity Leave provides a tactical framework that lays a strong foundation for asking for desired terms with confidence. At the same time, it provides a path to knowing, expanding and creating better options. Following is an example of each.

KNOW YOUR OPTIONS

There is a little-known provision under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) that allows new moms to return to work part-time after maternity leave.

“Reduced leave schedule” as it’s called, is a hugely helpful phase-back-to-work option for those who can’t afford a full 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA leave, but who can afford a temporary part-time schedule.

The arrangement requires the employer’s agreement; from what I’ve seen, the woman who asks as part of her well-crafted maternity leave proposal usually gets it. (Dads can do this, too.)

EXPAND YOUR OPTIONS
A typical maternity leave menu choice is six to 12 weeks. But a strategic request for additional leave that’s not on the menu can deliver surprising results. Here’s how one woman’s request played out:

“I am a Director at a large health plan [employer] that I would not call flexible. I was prepared to take the standard 12 week leave, but I really wanted to take an extra month for a total of four months. Based upon your [strategies in Max Maternity Leave], I went for broke and asked for five months, hoping I could negotiate to four. The entire five months’ leave was approved and I’m thrilled!”

(Pages 5 and 6 of the free Max Maternity Leave guide outline the strategy for getting “supplemental leave.”)

CREATE YOUR OPTIONS

What about paid maternity leave? Understanding the conditions which foster getting paid maternity leave (beyond accumulated paid time off), having a strategy, then presenting a professional proposal, can have surprising payoffs. No guarantees, but worth the initiative.

While one to three extra paid weeks is a reasonable expectation, I’ve received some reports of approval for four to six weeks of paid maternity leave where the policy (if there was one) did not offer it. Unusual, but possible.

Know, expand or create your options–and ask for them. With a solid strategy, careful preparation and a detailed proposal, requesting something that’s not on the work-life or maternity leave menu can bring satiating results.

(For more, request a downloadable free copy of the Max Maternity Leave Proposal Template & Negotiation Guide from Pat’s new complimentary maternity leave advice service website, Maternity Leave Mentor.)

Yesterday, May 17th, was National Cyber Safety Awareness Day, a reminder to all of us busy parents that we need to be cyber-aware about what their children are doing online. And most of us aren’t.  Shawn Marie Edgington, “Americas leading “Texpert” and cyberbullying prevention expert” wants to change that with her new book, “The Parent’s Guide to Texting, Facebook and Social Media,” and the One-Click Safety Series. 

Since she discovered the her own daughter was being threatened by text and on Facebook, Edgington has been on a mission to help protect our kids against the dangers that exist on the wild, wild web, and wants every parent to know that no child is immune.

As Dr. Oz’s new Sharecare.com expert, she plans to provide her expertise to help both parents and teens get the advice they need.  She is also the CEO of a National Insurance Brokerage where she provides risk management and guidance to clients across the country about the repercussions of inappropriate social media and harassment usage in the workplace.

In this guest post, Edgington offers important tips to help parents add cyber-safety awareness to their busy work+life fit.

For centuries, parents have been able to easily protect and guard their children… but with today’s technology, social networks and mobile messaging, it’s easier for predators and bullies to reach out and attack our children from anywhere and at anytime; silently and with ease.
Cyberbullying occurs when a minor uses technology to deliberately and repeatedly engage in hostile behavior to harm or threaten another minor, and is against the law.

• Almost half of our youth experience some form of online harassment (Cyberbullying Research Center)
• 71% of teens receive messages from strangers (National Center for Missing and Exploited Children)
• Over half of teens have engaged in cyberbullying (i-Safe)

Most teens don’t tell their parents what’s happening in their online world, which is why it’s critical that parents take a pro-active approach and become aware of how technology can be abused and talk to their kids about the dos and don’ts for using technology.  When it comes to cyberbullying, prevention is critical.

Establish rules: If your teenager has a cell phone or access to the Internet or both, be sure to sit down with them and review the Rules of Engagement agreement for such use, and have them agree to your rules by signing the agreement.

Obey age restrictions: Obey age limitations set by social networks.  Facebook requires users to be at least 13-years-old.

Sexting and Internet avoidance: If your young child has a cell phone, make sure that it can’t access the Internet. If their phone has a camera/video feature, contact your provider to disable their MMS service.

Invest in Smart Limits: This service allows parents to “set text boundaries, disable text service after bedtime, and control who can be blocked from sending texts, among other benefits.

Check privacy and security settings, guard passwords: Double check all of your child’s security settings to be sure they are all set to private and instruct your child to never share their passwords with anyone.

Know your child’s friends: Frequently monitor who your child is connected to.  Be sure they are people that they know in real life, and people you trust.

Closely monitor Internet and cell phones:  Keep the computer in a visible place, and spot check text messages, videos and photos.

Think before posting: Help your child manage their online image and reputation.  Encourage your child to treat others online as they want to be treated in real life.  It’s crucial they understand what’s posted on the Internet stays on the Internet forever.

Limit Personal Information: Be cautious about how much personal information your child posts. The more detailed the information, the easier it is for online predators, hackers, etc. to use their information to commit crimes.

Ignore/Block/Report: Show your child how to ignore, block and report people who aren’t being nice to them, whether in person, by text message or on the Internet.  Help your child understand how important it is to not respond to any negative messages and to immediately report them to a trusted adult.

Contact the Authorities: The police take cyberbullying very seriously.  If your child is ever physically threatened or contacted by a stranger, notify the police immediately.

Children lack the maturity and experience to deal with a difficult situation like being the target of a cyberbully.  Children will look to a trusted adult to help them respond appropriately and get through difficult situations.  Knowledge is power!  If you are aware of what’s happening, you can get involved and facilitate change.  Cyberbullying is a REAL threat to teens. Educate yourself and protect your children from the hazards of networking online or using their cell phones.

For more:

• Buy Shawn Edington’s Book  The Parent’s Guide to Texting, Facebook and Social Media
• Follow Shawn on Twitter @DigitalWorld101
• Connect with Shawn on Facebook

(This post originally appeared in FastCompany.com)

A couple of months ago, Selena Rezvani, author of The Next Generation Women Leaders, wrote an article in The Washington Post entitled “Where are the Men in the Work/Life Conversation?” I’ve grappled with this question for more than 15 years as I helped companies rethink inflexible ways of working so that everyone (not just women) could optimize his or her work+life fit.

But, I decided it would be more interesting to ask a man to share his insights.

Immediately, I thought of Dan Mulhern, whose moving and powerful letter to his 13 year old, Jack, “How to Be a Real Man” was published in last week’s Newsweek. It’s a must-read for anyone who’s raising the next generation of men.

Professionally, Mulhern writes, speaks, coaches and consults to help people” lead with their best self.” He’s authored two books on leadership and writes a weekly e-column called “Reading for Leading.” (sign up at www.danmulhern.com). Personally, Dan shifted from a 50-50 sharing arrangement to the lead parent role in 1998 when his wife Jennifer Granholm was elected Michigan’s first female attorney general and subsequently served two terms as governor. Their daughters were 8 and 7 years old, and son Jack was not quite a year old at the time of Jennifer’s first election.

Drawing upon his professional and personal experience, here’s what Dan Mulhern had to say about men and the work+life conversation.

Cali Yost: Welcome Dan. So how do you answer the question, “Where are the men in the work/life conversation?

Dan Mulhern: I think they are increasingly in the conversation. We are at a tipping point with a rash of articles about men, work and their lives. I think there’s a multi-level conversation about what is happening to men more broadly.

For a strong contingent of these men this is a really great opportunity especially for young fathers like Tom Matlack and The Good Men Project. I feel part of that group and it’s a huge celebration. For another group of people, it’s more of a reaction to a world that’s changed. When my wife burst into her new role (Jennifer Granholm, former governor of Michigan), in a sense I had to change for her welfare, our family’s welfare.

Men have not been socialized to have these conversations about our work and other parts of our lives. These men who have chosen it are saying “Let’s talk about it. It’s cool.” But the other men are being swept along, less by choice.

Cali Yost: You’ve recently participated in a study of new fathers with the Boston College Center for Work and Family. What does that research tell us? What are the implications for men?

The Boston College Center for Work and Family New Dad Study confirmed two old findings and unearthed one new finding:

1. There is a lingering pro-male bias, in the sense that people treated men as more mature and seasoned when they had children versus women who felt professionally penalized. Men felt propelled into adulthood, whereas, for women this new phase brought a lot of anxiety about their role and work commitment, and
2. The new fathers really didn’t think about being the main caretaker. Out of the 32 study participants, only two new fathers gave serious thought to taking on primary role.

So Gen Y fathers are not that different from those two perspectives. But what was really clear and new with this generation is that men really want to be involved and part of the conversation.

Cali Yost: The National Study of the Changing Workforce reported that men had higher levels of work+life stress than women. I have found that to hold true in my work with companies. Yet, work+life is still entrenched as a “women’s issue.” What do you think will finally change this?

Dan Mulhern: There’s a triangle of influence that’s important if we want to make that change and involve men in companies. First, a male senior leader needs to speak openly and encourage the conversation. Second, a man has to be brave enough to say something about what he needs. And then, third, the managerial conversation with that employee is critical. Emphasis on the conversation including men up and down all levels of the organization is key.

I also think men need to be willing to talk about the issue honestly and openly. I have a friend who used to ask me to play golf and I had to say “no” because of taking care of kids. He would respond, “Your priorities are all right.”

His interest in my choices made a difference, because it’s not the same when women would tell me “You’re so great for taking care of your kids.” That seemed somewhat matronizing (like patronizing). I equate it to what it must feel like if you are a beautiful woman who completes an engineering project and a bunch of guys say, ‘You’re so smart.” Well, what did you think of me before?

Those conversations for me are important. Jennifer and I talked for years that this time would be “my time” after her term as governor ended. But instead I’ve found that I’ve really exalted in my family. I appreciate reading about other men who are also excited about their families on the Good Men Project. You don’t feel like the only one. What’s going to change the reality is men talking.

Cali Yost: What are the key changes related to men and work+life you’re trying to drive with your work?

Dan Mulhern:

1. Help to make talk about what’s going on in work and life amongst men normal and safe. There’s never been a legal prohibition that’s kept men from being a primary parent. It was all internal. You didn’t show feelings, emotions unless they were manly feelings. Talk is the most liberating thing.
2. In terms of who does what in parenting, we need to move away from gender and biology as the determinant toward competency and passion. In other words, each partner does what they like and are good at regardless of gender or biology.

The first two points are inter-related because if it’s not okay amongst men to talk about how you like to be with your kids then we won’t be able to accomplish the second goal.

I think that so many artificial barriers have already come down or will come down. We created a divide between life and work over the last 100 years. Farmers didn’t have a divide. There should be a real questioning in the work life movement of work life boundaries.

Sons and daughters benefit from seeing both parents working. The conversations with our son, Jack, are very different and that will create the change.

Cali Yost: Thank you, Dan. I knew you’d have wise insights into the question “where are men in the work/life conversation? The answer I hear is that they’re starting to arrive. And that’s good for all of us!

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d like to thank my two beautiful girls for the privilege of being their mom everyday.  Next, I’d like to recognize the other members of the joint Yost Family caregiving task force: my wonderful husband and my fantastic babysitter who has been a member of our family for 10 years.  

Now, to all of my sisters out there.  The amazing women I meet everyday who heroically fit all of the parts of their busy work and lives together, I’m giving you the same three gifts that I’m bestowing upon myself this year–Recognition, A Break and Men (not what you think):

Recognition That You Are Amazing

Ladies, we must do a better job giving ourselves credit for all that we accomplish whatever our unique work+life fit  looks like.  At the end of the day, instead of focusing on all of the things I didn’t do, I’ve started a practice of congratulating myself on the things I’ve done–big and small.  Join me!  Tell me how it feels and what a difference it makes.

Here’s a very cool way from MomsRising.org to recognize the mothers you love while advancing the cause of pay equity.  Click here to customize the “The Amazing Story of…” video.  Unbelievably creative.  I still can’t figure out how they do it. ( For more, check out the MomsRising Mother’s Day Blog Carnival)

Permission Not to Be Perfect (a.k.a Giving Yourself a Break)

In case you missed it, I recently made a confession in the “Secret Life of a Work/Life Expert” blog post for Good Enough is the New Perfect: I only get my work+life fit right about 70% of the time.  The other 30% I’m trying to hold it together like everyone else.  And that’s okay!!!  This year I want all moms to give ourselves (and each other) a break because remember the first gift…you are amazing!

Inviting Men Into the Work+Life Fit Conversation

Finally, this year I want every mom to reach out, grab the willing men in her life…and invite them to become part of the work+life fit conversation.  As my recent interview with Dan Mulhern in Fast Company proves, men are starting to join us.  But we need to welcome them with open arms because for too long the dialogue has only included women.  If we partner with men to create the new flexible ways we all need to manage our work and life, we’ll make progress a lot faster.  I know I’m ready, and I’ll bet every other woman is ready for progress too.

Happy Mother’s Day!  What are the top work+life fit gifts you hope moms receive this year?

(This post is the featured article in the May issue of the Flex+Strategy “How To” Make Flexibility Real newsletter.  )

Individuals can’t manage their work+life fit without some degree of flexibility in how, when and where work is done.  Conversely, flexibility in the way work is done can’t become a targeted business strategy if individuals don’t know how to use it.  And most don’t.

For individuals to use flexibility deliberately and thoughtfully, they need to have the right mindset, tools and training. Only then they will be able to capture and direct that flexibility toward a solution that meets their personal needs and the goals of their job.  Most can’t.

Creating this critical employee-employer partnership is the reason I wrote my book Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You (Riverhead, 2005). It’s also why we are the Flex+Strategy Group/Work+Life Fit Inc., to reinforce clearly the importance of both sides of the equation.

The truth is that a corporate flexibility strategy won’t ever be more than a feel-good policy or program if employees don’t know how to manage their unique work+life fit (not balance) and vice versa.

According to the Towers Perrin 2010 Global Workforce Study, employees know they are responsible for their own well-being but fear they don’t have skills to handle role .  They want more freedom and flexibility in their work, but need support to enable new level of self-management

But very few organizations prepare their employees to be effective flexibility partners.

Recently I presented to a group of HR professionals and asked “how many of you train your employees to develop, negotiate, and implement flexibility plans that are a win for them personally, their team, their manager and the business?” Only 1 person out of 50 raised their hand.

This group is not unusual.  According to World at Work’s 2011 Survey on Workplace Flexibility “most organizations do not specifically train employees to be successful” with flexibility.

Why is this?

Historically, the theory has been that we need to train managers (I say theory because according the same World at Work study manager training on flexibility isn’t happening either).  Managers do play a key role in the partnership.

Managers lay out the vision, provide the information and set the tone.  This creates the environment that supports the ongoing conversation and leads to solutions which benefit the business and their people. But managers can’t come up with the specific work+life fit answer for each employee, and putting them in that position is the fastest way to make him or her dislike flexibility.

If flexibility training for employees does exist, the focus tends to be on “how to” fill out a formal flexibility request form and worksheet.  Again, that’s important but only one small piece of the puzzle.

What’s the answer? (Click here for more and to read this month’s case study, “The Employee Who Learned ‘How,’ Stayed and Thrived.”)

Join us!  Friday, May 13th at 12 pm EST during the “Employee as Partner: Flexibility’s Missing Link.” Click here to register, and  here to have the Flex+Strategy “How To” Newsletter delivered monthly via email.

(This post originally appeared on the blog of a wonderful non-profit, Women With Drive, founded by my friend Molly Cantrell-Kraig)

Some people call me an expert, but, really…I’m an explorer continually searching for new and better ways to help people manage their work and life.

This 15 year journey has led me to write a book, Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You, start a blog, and help companies to become more flexible in the way they work.  But Molly Cantrell-Kraig’s invitation to write a guest post for Women With Drive (Twitter @WWDr1ve) was a unique opportunity to stop and reflect upon what I’ve learned.

For this post, I challenged myself to pick out the “Top 10” work+life fit tips that I think every woman should know.  It wasn’t easy, but here’s my list. Remember, I’m an explorer on a never-ending quest to learn more, so I really want to hear what you think too!

1. There is no “balance,” only the unique way work fits into the rest of your life day-to-day and over time (for more check out The 10 Tyrannies of Work-Life Balance).
2. Contrary to popular belief, you can choose what your work+life fit looks like about 70% of the time (which is way better than 0%).  Nothing is ever perfect and even the most careful plan will change.  But being thoughtful and deliberate about the choices you make and actions you take does ensure that more of what you want does happen in work and in the rest of your life.  Make 70% your bar of success…not “perfect.”
3. Managing the way work fits into your life is a practice not a destination. You will never “have” work+life fit.  All you can do is try to make your “fit” the best it can be based on where you are now.
4. Keep a calendar with all of your work and personal “to dos” in one place so that you have a complete picture of your life. And if you aren’t comfortable adding your personal goals and responsibilities to your calendar at work, keep your personal calendar with you on the job.   Glance at them both a couple of times throughout the day to stay on track.
5. Take 20 minutes each week to sit quietly and ask yourself what you need more of/less of in your “fit” and make it happen. Small actions make a big difference.  A cup of coffee with a friend.  A half an hour walk.  Lunch with your daughter.  An appointment to get your hair cut.
6. Understand that it’s about managing your time and your energy. Taking care of yourself requires time but it gives you more energy…so it’s a net gain.  Women tend to feel guilty about taking time to sleep, eat well, and exercise especially if it means we’re not focusing on others.  But, a good night’s sleep, a healthy meal, and a yoga class, for example, prepare you to give even more (and better!)
7. Make your back up plans in advance so you are prepared and less frazzled. For example, who will take care of your child when they are sick, or if there’s a snow day?  Who will walk your dog if you have to stay late at work?  How will your mother get to the doctor if you can’t take her?
8. Prioritize managing your personal finances. Having a handle on your money—no matter how much or how little you have—is critical to your long-term work+life fit success.  When my parents divorced 35 years ago, my mother had very little money and few job prospects, but she was always careful and deliberate with what she had.  By the time she retired, she’d paid off her house and car and was able to truly enjoy retirement.   That careful management, even when there wasn’t much, gave her choices in the long run.   (Great resources for women: Manisha Thakor, Daily Worth)
9. Don’t let pride stand in the way of asking for help from your community, your friends, and family. We are not superwomen.   Ask.  Someday you will pay it forward.
10. Finally, guilt is a corrosive energy-waster. Stop comparing yourself to others.  Everyone has different circumstances; therefore, they will have a different work+life fit. Maybe you can’t make it to your child’s school events as often as another parent because you have to work.  That doesn’t make them right, and you wrong.  It’s about making it all fit together the best way it can…right now.

What advice would you give to other women to help them more successfully manage the way work “fits” into their lives?

Did you find the information in this post helpful?  If so, I invite you to also visit my Fast Company blog and connect with me on Twitter @caliyost. Also, you might be interested in our NEW!  How-To “Make Flexibility Real” Newsletter and LinkedIn group.

What do you do when an event comes out of left field and lays waste to your carefully planned work+life fit?  This is the question I discussed with my friend, radio host Maggie Mistal, when I appeared on her “Making a Living” program last Friday.

Life recently threw Maggie a curveball when her newborn son arrived two months early while she and her husband were on vacation.  Now, they are living and working temporarily from another city until their son is able to travel back home.

At some point, most of us will deal with a sudden change in circumstances.  My most recent curveball happened five years ago when my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. Immediately your priorities shift.  How do you triage and rethink your goals, your schedule, and your responsibilities both at work and in the other parts of your life?  Here are some of the tips that Maggie and I discussed during the show:

Remember that curveball events typically have three distinct phases:

1. The initial crisis—You are just making it through minute-by-minute
2. The holding pattern—The crisis has passed, but the situation has yet to resolve itself or settle into a new reality.  You’re operating less minute-by-minute and more day-by-day.  And finally, you will move into…
3. The post-curveball reality—You’re clearer about what your work capacity will be going forward and you’ve regained some level of control over the other parts of your life.

Try not to fall into all-or-nothing thinking, and avoid making a rash decision to quit.

Especially, during the crisis phase, it’s easy to become overwhelmed.  You start to think “I can’t deal with this and work at the same time.”  Even I had this reaction when I got the news about my mother.  But thankfully I pulled myself back from the edge, and took a breath.

While quitting may seem like the only choice at the moment, it may not be the best answer.  First of all, most of us need the money.  Secondly, you may be surprised to find that work is a welcome distraction especially when you move into the holding pattern.  Try not to make any major work or life related decisions until the crisis period passed.

Be honest with your boss, team, clients, friends, and family.

99% of the people in your life will be understanding and supportive at least in the crisis phase and early stages of the holding pattern.  In terms of how much you share, both Maggie and I agree that you should tailor the information to your audience.  However, in my experience, managers, clients and team members appreciate simple, consistent updates.  This is especially true once you move into the holding pattern period, and you can start actively testing your capacity for more work.

Unfortunately, 1% of the people in your life won’t be able to show up for you emotionally or physically—let it go.   Don’t expend the extra energy you don’t have now.  File away the lack of support and, if you need to, deal with it later.  A woman who called into Maggie’s show talked about how unhelpful the president of her company was when she needed time during the adoption of her child. But she waited until after the adoption was completed to quit and get a new job.

Gather your resources.  You don’t need to handle the curveball experience all by yourself.

This is especially difficult for people who are used to being in control.  Regardless, you need to let others help you.

Perhaps there’s a work colleague that you respect who can take on some of your responsibilities.  Delegate “to dos” to your family members and friends who’ve offered to pitch in.  I can never repay the group of women in my town that provided meals to my family three nights a week for the last few months of my mother’s life.  But I will confess, initially, I refused because I didn’t want to be a bother.  It took my friend Nola saying, “Shut up, Cali.  They’re coming whether you like it or not,” to make it happen.  And it was a godsend.

Also, if you work for a company that offers work+life benefits and leaves, use them.  Remember the Families Medical Leave Act doesn’t have to be taken all at once.  It can be used over time in small chunks.

Once you’ve move into the holding pattern phase, begin to test your capacity for taking on more work but be patient.

Your priorities will continue to shift and change.  See what you can and cannot comfortably take on.  Perhaps it will help to be more creative and flexible in how, when and where you work.  For example, on Friday, Maggie broadcast her show remotely from Florida, while I sat in her New York studio.  You wouldn’t have known the difference.    When my mother had cancer, I often worked remotely from the hospital.

Build in even small moments of wellness.

This is so important yet can be incredibly hard, especially in the crisis phase.  But once you’ve moved into a holding pattern, gather your resources and use them to find time to care for yourself.  Take a 30 minute walk outside.  Try to get a good night sleep.  Eat at least one healthy meal a day.

Again, think small steps taken consistently so you aren’t overwhelmed.  The goal is not just functioning at your best during the curveball event.  You want to emerge from the experience as strong as possible and ready to move forward in the post-curveball reality.

Has life ever thrown you a curveball that’s made you triage your work+life fit?  What helped you reset your work and personal responsibilities and goals when your priorities changed overnight?

Did you find this post helpful?  If so, I invite you to follow me on Twitter @caliyost and at Fast Company.  Also, please sign up here to receive our NEW “Make Flexibility Real” How-To Newsletter.

(This post is the “Make Flexibility Real” Topic of the Month from our NEW monthly flexibility strategy “how to” newsletter.  Click here for “Make Flexibility Real” case study and question of the month and here to subscribe.)

Yes, that’s right.  Flex strategy “turducken.”  What?  Here’s the backstory:

It all started during a team discussion about the best way to present our next phase recommendations to a client.  In an attempt to wrap them under a unifying concept, FSG partner, Donna Miller, pointed out, “It’s a policy wrapped in a process, wrapped in a strategy.  A veritable flexibility  ‘turducken’ if you will.” And, with that, the perfect metaphor for “strategic flexibility” was born. A turducken.

And just as a butcher creates a turducken by wrapping chicken inside duck, inside turkey, organizations make flexibility real when they wrap policies inside of  guidelines, inside of a a plan for implementation that’s linked to business objectives:

What does a flexibility strategy “turducken” look like in action?  Although every organization is different, here are some highlights by layer:

Flexibility Policies (Chicken):  This is where most organizations start and many end.  They draft policies that lay out the approval, implementation and review parameters of the five discrete formal flexible work arrangements: flexible schedules, telecommuting, compressed workweeks, reduced schedules, and job sharing.  For example:

• We define telecommuting as…/ We define a reduced schedule as…/
• If you telecommute, the company will/will not reimburse certain expense
• Every arrangement must be reviewed initially after 90 days and the every six months thereafter
• If the arrangement is deemed unsatisfactory to either the manager or employee, it can be terminated immediately.

But these one-size-fits-all policies are often one-dimensional.  They fail to come to life because there’s no way to contextualize the flexibility to the unique realities of a particular business challenge, job or person.   This is where the next layer of the flex strategy “turducken” becomes important…

Flexibility Process to Tailor Win-Win Solutions (Duck): This layer takes flexibility to the next level.  It provides consistent guidelines to think through what type of flexibility will or will not work for a job or person.  Flexibility processes also address issues of fairness.  While everyone is not guaranteed the same type of flexibility, everyone does follow the same process for consideration of a request.

Here’s an example of three common levels of guidelines.  They build upon one another to harness flexibility and create win-win, tailored solutions:

Level 1—Manager/HR: A process to guide a manager or HR’s approval of a request for one of the five standard, one-size-fits-all formal flexible work arrangements.  Managers and/or HR are prompted to consider the performance of the employee, whether it makes sense for the business, etc.   This is where most organizations begin, but at some point they make three important realizations:

• Managers and HR can’t come up with a flexibility plan that is going to work for each individual person,
• The five, one-size-fits-all formal flexible work arrangements are too rigid.  They don’t allow the creativity required to tailor a solution that meets the work+life fit needs of the individual and the needs of the business, and,
• Most of the time people don’t need to formally change the way they are working.  They just want to make small, flexible adjustments in how, when and where they work day-to-day.

That leads to the creation of…

Level 2—Employee Work+Life Fit: A process that helps an employee take the lead to determine what type of formal and day-to-day flexibility will help them manage their work+life fit. These guidelines help them think through how, when and/or where they want to work, how their job will get done, etc  before talking to their manager and team.

Unfortunately, in many organizations, these employee-based guidelines only focus on work considerations and leave out personal realities that will also impact the success of flexibility.  This incomplete picture is the reason that I wrote my book, Work+Life:  Finding the Fit That’s Right for You. I wanted to help individuals create a solution with the greatest likelihood of success.

The processes in levels 1 and 2 address the individual’s need for flexibility to manage their personal work+life fit.  But how do organizations harness this same flexibility to deal with business challenges?  This is the next level of flexibility process…

Level 3—Team-based Innovation: A few companies are providing teams with guidelines to help tailor win-win solutions that use flexibility to target business challenges.  The process shows leaders, managers and employees how to engage in an ongoing conversation that rethinks rigid ways of working. Together they create flexible, innovative solutions.  For example, creating a rotating telework schedule to deal with overcrowding in the office, or a flexible shift schedule for global client coverage to ensure people aren’t “on call” all of the time.

This brings us to the final level of strategic flexibility.  You can have the best policies and guidelines, but they won’t have much impact unless there’s a…

Plan for Strategic Implementation (Turkey): This is the piece of the “turducken” that too few organizations develop and execute.   Without a plan that creates readiness, links flexibility to other management practices, rewards buy in, communicates broadly, etc. flexibility will not become a meaningful part of an organization’s culture and way of operating.   Like laying a piece of paper on top of water, it floats but never penetrates.

Flexibility implementation must be intentional, have a clearly articulated impact on the business and its people, and be able to be measured.  Depending upon the unique goals of the organization, it might include:

• Creating a shared vision of flexibility that answers the questions “why do we need it?” and “what does it look like here?”
• Aligning work processes, management structures and rewards
• Linking flexibility to leadership competencies
• Encouraging a culture of shared responsibility versus top-down hierarchy

There’s more, but it gives you a sense of some of the key elements for deep and broad buy-in and impact.

Just as a butcher creates a turducken by wrapping chicken inside duck, inside turkey, organizations must link policy, process and strategy if they want to make flexibility real.

Does your organization have all three layers of the flex strategy “turducken?”  If not, what’s missing?

For more, I invite you to sign up to receive the “Make Flexibility Real” newsletter via email, to visit my Fast Company blog, and to join me on Twitter @caliyost.

I want to thank my friend, Aparna Mehrotra, the Focal Point for Women at The United Nations for asking me to share my thoughts on a wide range of flexibility and work+life fit related topics in the most recent issue of the UN Women’s Newsletter.   In her role at the UN, Aparna is committed to advancing the strategic application of flexibility both within the organization and beyond.

Here are some of the questions that I answer in the interview:

• What are the three principal achievements we’ve accomplished and the three principal challenges we face in our work?
• What is work+life “fit,” and how have I applied it in my own life?
• What are some of the main issues facing working women in leadership positions in the private sector?
• What are the characteristics of the emerging workforce that make flexibility essential?
• How do you combat ongoing skepticism about the benefits of flexibility to an organization?
• Recognizing that policies alone have limited impact, how do you improve implementation of flexibility?

Are there other questions that you wish I’d discussed about work+life fit and how to make flexibility real and more strategic?   Let me know either in the comments or in our NEW “Make Flexibility Real” LinkedIn group.

Post originally appeared on FastCompany.com.

This is the first post in a new series that I’m calling “Flex and the C-Suite.” Periodically, I will interview C-Suite leaders who have made flexibility in the way work is done a key strategy for achieving business results smarter and better. In other words, they get it.

I’m kicking off the series with John C. Parry, the President and CEO of Solix, Inc. I had an opportunity to get to know Parry and his Senior Manager of External Communications, Gene King, when we rode back to New Jersey from Washington D.C. on the Acela late last year.

Parry had just presented at the Workplace Flexibility 2010 celebration that I’d attended. I was struck by the clarity with which he described the key role flexibility plays in achieving the core objective of his business which is excellent client service. I think you will be too.

First, here’s some of background about Solix, Inc. and its business. Solix is a New Jersey-based provider of comprehensive outsourcing solutions for government and commercial clients. It manages public benefit programs ranging from providing funding for Internet access for schools, libraries and rural health care facilities to qualifying low-income consumers for discounted phone service. Commercial clients work with Solix to enhance customer relationship management and to effectively satisfy regulatory program requirements.

Cali Yost: Let’s begin with the top challenges and opportunities that you see facing Solix and Corporate America over the next year or two?

John C. Parry: For most CEOs, the challenge is how to grow their companies profitably. Keeping current customers happy, while expanding into a larger, more complex organization and making sure that new revenue is profitable. Too many companies are trying to maintain profitability by trimming their workforce. We are doing it both ways–we’re becoming more efficient as we grow.

The benefit of this approach is that we give more opportunity to our current workforce. This allows us to keep the bright young people who work for us motivated because we are growing and changing as a company which creates more career opportunity.

In your opinion, how does flexibility in the way work is done help Solix, Inc. address those challenges or seize those opportunities?

To me, workplace flexibility is one of the ways to remove “the noise in the system” so that employees can focus on the business at hand which is providing the best service to our customers, both new and old. That noise in the system can be anything from the fear of losing your job, the unproductive rumor mill or worries related to family issues. Providing a great work environment allows people to focus on the clients. We do this a few ways.

First, we remove the noise from the system. How do you do this? First, communicate, communicate, and communicate. We have an “Ask John” program where people are encouraged to anonymously send any questions or concerns they may have to me directly. I will answer within 24 hours.

Next, we don’t want people to worry that it’s a black mark if they miss a day of work because of a family issue. In our culture, all we really care about is the excellent service of our clients. We don’t care how you structure your hours as long as you’re providing that service. If you are sick, don’t come in. If it snows and you want to work from home, fine. You make the decision. This eliminates a lot of workplace stress that, again, is unproductive noise in the system.

We let people compress their workweek, telework and flex their hours. We’ve supported phased retirements and even let people take longer chunks of time off to visit family overseas. The reality is that it takes a year to train someone. Why wouldn’t we take them back after a three month break to visit their family in India? In fact, we would let people work from home more, but they like coming in to work.

Second, we give people meaningful work to do. The work we do reaches all corners of the country to help people and that feels good. For example, a small school in Pahoa, Hawaii where less than 25% of the students have Internet access at home was able to upgrade its computer lab and a rural health care provider in the Aleutian Islands of Alaska has improved their Internet and telecom infrastructure to better serve their customers in this remote area. In addition, the work we do helps low income citizens gain access to subsidized cell phone service. We value that.

Third, we promote the team concept. I spent most of my career in the Bell System. Because we had no external competition for many years, they promoted internal competition which wasn’t particularly positive. From this experience, I am a big proponent of teams. Individuals are important but we celebrate and recognize team success, and people really support each other

Finally, we encourage community involvement, and good citizenship. Our employees often work in the soup kitchen as a team or raise money for charities about which they are passionate.

What factors have been most critical to the successful implementation of flexibility at Solix?

To any leader who thinks creating a supportive, flexible work culture is a boondoggle, I’d suggest starting with a trial run. Use work that can be done from home and with low supervision. See the results.

Ask for input from all levels. What’s making the work environment stressful? Trying to raise a family and punch a time clock?

Prepare supervisors and employees to succeed in a flexible work culture. Pick managers who have already bought into it to take the lead because there will be a lot of skepticism. At some point, everyone will realize that there’s been no reduction in quality or productivity because of flexibility and that they, as managers, get to have flexibility too!

Now everyone gets to set his or her hours. For example, I am an early person so I get in to the office very early in the morning but like to leave here by 4:00 pm most days and I do. On the other hand, our CFO and the head of HR get in later and stay later.

What would you say to a C-Suite leader who still thinks workplace flexibility is a nice-to-have perk, not a strategic imperative?

What is the end result you are looking for? You are looking to achieve corporate goals. Let’s be honest. Nobody goes around cheering that 99% of employees got to work today and worked eight hours.

What you want to know is that you have a highly motivated workforce that delivers high quality customer service. With flexibility, it helps to measure output over a longer-term period. Because of flexibility we are getting better productivity and commitment. When we look for volunteers to meet a tight deadline or deal with a backlog, everyone raises their hands to help. That’s engagement.

Too many CEOs believe they can force their will on people. It never works in the long run. Our turnover is ridiculously low (although we do let poor performers go) and we don’t have an absence problem because if someone is sick they stay home and don’t infect everyone.

Readers: Do you know a C-Suite level executive who “gets it” that flexibility is a strategic imperative for their business and their people?  I’d love to showcase them.  Send me an email at cali@flexstrategygroup.com.