(This post originally appeared in ForbesWoman.com)

What if the frustrating pay gap between men and women was caused, in part, by our collective low expectation that women are supposed to be “good” providers?

This expectation is alive and well according to the recently released Pew Research Center report, The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families, even if it’s not grounded in reality.  Most women will work most of their lives outside of the home in some capacity.

Women are already providers but that’s not what we expect.

According to the Pew Research Center study, when asked “To be ready for marriage, how important is it that a man be a good provider?” 67% of all respondents said, “very important.”   But when posed the same question regarding women, only 33% said, “very important.”  (I’d bet if Pew asked the question, “how important is it that men/women be a good caregiver” the results would flip.)

Expectations matter.   They affect the choices we make.

If women aren’t expected to be good providers but men are, how does that affect the decisions each gender makes from a very young age that perpetuate the gap?

When I was growing up my family emphasized education and being able to support myself but I was never expected to be a “good provider.”  What if I had been?  Would I have been forced to learn how to negotiate my compensation more effectively at a younger age?     Would I have made different, perhaps more lucrative, choices throughout my career?

That’s exactly what my friend Karen has done since we started in the same bank management training program after college.   From the beginning, Karen had clear high expectations for her career and for her compensation.   I remember staring in awe as the 23 year old Karen responded, “No,” when asked by the bank’s President, “Is everyone happy with their placements?”   Sure enough, she was moved to the higher paying job that she wanted.

Over the next twenty years, Karen continued this pattern of asking for what she wanted and felt she deserved whether it was a title, a job or money.   It wasn’t always easy or fun, but she expected it for herself.  And guess what?  She got it along with a loving husband and three beautiful children.

I can’t help but wonder what would happen to the pay gap if more women were like Karen and set their earnings expectations as high as those of the men in their chosen fields doing the same amount and type of work?

Expectations also influence the way others perceive and respond to us. (Click here for more)

(This article originally appeared in the November 2010, Fordyce Letter newsletter)

I often present work+life fit strategies to groups of people who work for someone else—a big company, a government agency, or an academic institution. Inevitably, a participant will ask, “So, Cali, what does your work+life fit look like?”

I’ll begin to explain that, “I work for myself, and…” but before I can finish, it’s not unusual for someone to interrupt with, “Uh, see you have the perfect fit. You’re your own boss.” Cracking a knowing smile, I respond, “Yes, working for yourself has benefits, but is it perfect? Not necessarily. Unless you’re careful, there are dangers that can dash even the strongest work+life fit against the rocks.”

Owning your own business does give you more control of how, when, and where you work. But, you’re also the only one responsible for making sure all of that work gets done.  And unless you’re diligent, it’s easy to become the business owner that’s all toil…and no life. So, what do you do to avoid this fate?

Here are three steps I consistently follow to find the work+life fit that works for me and my business:

I consciously choose where and when I allocate my time and energy, as much as possible. If I just let it all happen haphazardly, work will usually win.  Where there are periods of more work and less life, overall, I do choose how it all fits together. To make this happen, I:

• Keep all of my work and personal “to dos” in the same calendar. You can’t keep separate calendars and effectively manage your work+life fit, yet you’d be surprised how many people have work responsibilities in one place and personal “to dos” in another. With a complete snapshot, the conflict is clear when a client wants to schedule a meeting the same time as your yoga class. You may choose to miss the class and meet with the client, or more likely you’ll find an alternative that lets you do both.
• Set time aside every week to review my calendar and reflect upon what I want my work+life fit to look like for the next seven days, and the rest of the month. What’s happening that takes priority at work and in the other parts of my life? What’s missing? What’s there too much of?
• Then, depending upon what I’ve decided I want to accomplish in the business and personally, I chart my work+life fit for the coming week and weeks on my calendar.

My experience has been that, as long as I stick with this system, I accomplish more of everything. But when I get lazy and let it slide, I look up and realize I wasn’t as efficient at work and I haven’t taken a walk with my husband, seen a friend, gotten to the gym, or balanced my checkbook in a month.

Try to control technology so it doesn’t control me. I confess…this is a beast with which I continue to battle. Many business owners have offices in their homes, as I do.  It’s so easy to slip in a little bit of work here and there until the next thing you know, that’s all you’re doing.  A couple of changes I’ve made have helped:

• When I’m out of the office and engaged in non-work related activities, I wait to respond to non-urgent emails.
• When I am home and I walk over the threshold of my office to do other things, my blackberry stays on my desk. I have to physically walk back into my office if I want to check in. As a result, I’m more present.
• Finally, I’m trying to physically close the door to my office when I am “done” for the day. I’ve had mixed results, but so far I’m 30-50% less likely to mindlessly wander into my office and start working when I want to be doing something else.

I plan and take vacations. Taking a vacation can be a big problem for business owners, because unlike those who work for someone else, if you don’t work, you don’t get paid. Vacation can seem like an avoidable extravagance you just, “can’t afford.”  Plus, who’s going to cover your clients if something happens while you’re away? After many years of struggling with my own vacation conundrum, here’s what finally moved the needle:

• I faced the fact that vacation is a necessity, especially for an always-on, multiple-hat-wearing business owner.  I do some of my best work after taking time off.
• I started scheduling my vacations far in advance, blocking off two days before I leave and one day after I return in my calendar as “prep” and “re-entry,” respectively. If the vacation is on my calendar, I plan my work around it and notify clients to minimize fire drills. Also, by blocking off two “prep” days before I leave, I complete the projects that inevitably pop up at the last minute without pulling all-nighters and starting vacation frazzled. Then, by blocking off the first day back in the office for “reentry,” I can catch up without immediately undoing all of the benefits of taking some time off!
• I provide my mobile number in my out-of-office message if there’s an urgent issue. Otherwise, I trust that if someone needs me, they will find me.  It’s nice to fantasize that I’m indispensable, but since I’ve made this change, nothing has come up that couldn’t wait until I returned.

So, is working for yourself the “perfect” work+life fit fantasy that many people who work for others imagine it to be? For me, as long as I actively choose where and when I put my time and energy, try to control technology so it doesn’t control me, and take vacation, the answer is “yes.” What do you think?

What can we do right now to help people over 55 years old find and keep jobs? I’ve pondered this question since the economic downturn transformed the work+life fit reality of older workers, radically and permanently.

Almost overnight, many later-in-life employees were forced into the job market without the know-how to find and compete for scarce opportunities while decimated portfolios changed their retirement expectations. They want to work but countless numbers struggle to find and keep a job.

This bleak employment picture for many over 55 year olds was confirmed in the recently released New Unemployables study conducted by Boston College’s Sloan Center on Aging and Work and the Heldrich Center for Workforce Development at Rutgers University:

• 84% of older workers who were unemployed in August 2009 were still unemployed in March 2010, and
• 67% of older workers reported looking for work longer than a year.

Navigating this new later-in-life work reality requires an updated set of skills as evidenced by the 64% of older job seekers who said that the job search strategies they were using were not helpful, compared with less than half of younger job seekers. So what can be done? The research provides important clues including:

• Teaching workers over 55 years old how to use social media to network and brand themselves and
• Introducing them to new models of later-in-life employment, such as Encore Careers.

Teach workers 55+ years old how to use social media to network and brand themselves

According to the study, “just 13% of older job seekers had used online social networking sites compared to 28% of younger job seekers.” We need to convince older workers (and maybe even younger workers for that matter) that creating a presence and networking online is no longer optional. And we need to show them how to do it, as I did recently with a New York City cabdriver.

A couple of months ago I hailed a cab, and behind the wheel was a well-dressed man who looked to be in his mid 50′s. He smiled in the rearview mirror as I made myself comfortable for the ride uptown.

I’d decided to use the time to catch up on some calls. On one call I must have mentioned that I was on my way to give a speech. Overhearing this, the driver politely asked, “What is the topic of your speech?” I responded “How to manage your work+life fit.” He laughed and said, “Do you have any advice for me?”

He proceeded to explain that he had started driving a cab a couple of months earlier after his 18 months of severance ran out. He had two masters degrees and for eight years he had been a project manager for a major online retailer. When the layoffs started, he thought another equally good job would eventually turn up. But after countless promising interviews and not one call back, he had no choice to start driving the cab to make extra money. He sighed, “Any advice for me, lady expert?”

We were about 10 blocks from my stop so all I could think of saying was, “Are you networking with employers on Linkedin?” His confused eyes stared at me in the mirror, “What’s Linkedin?”  (Click here for more)

Thank you to Scott Petoff of the Vacation Counts blog for his positive review of my book Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You (Riverhead/Penguin Group, 2005) on his blog and on Amazon.  It’s thrilling that six years after it was originally published the book’s work+life “fit” message continues to resonate. Here’s what he had to say:

“I recently finished reading two highly recommended books and posted my reviews at Amazon.com.  The first is called Work + Life and is subtitled “Finding the Fit That’s Right for You.”  As you can guess it is about work-life balance but in this case the author Cali Williams Yost re-brands it as Work-Life Fit.  I can agree that the term “balance” has been overused and lost much of its meaning over the years.  Today when you say that you have no work-life balance, most people assume that you are working too hard and want to work less.  In very simple terms this implies “good” for employee, “bad” for employer.  Of course the reality is that most overworked Americans clock not just too many hours per week but also fail to use the limited number of vacation days they have earned to take (much deserved) time off from work each year.  Since there is no one-size-fits-all approach to balancing work and life and since the balance one seeks varies at each stage of life and career, the word “fit” captures the reality better.  Your approach to work (how much, where, when) that meets your life goals must be agreeable to your employer and that is where this book comes into play – as you life and career coach.”

What is my vision of work+life fit nirvana?

• Every manager would know how to talk with his or her employees about work+life flexibility. The discussion would focus on how to get the job done while acknowledging that employees have lives outside of work that they need to deal with. The manager doesn’t come up with solutions, but everyone feels comfortable enough to talk about options, without getting into the details of or judging “why” they need to work differently.
• Every employee would have the skills to take the initiative and present a work+life fit plan that adjusts how, when or where they work in a way that’s a win for them and the business. They would do this in response to any change in their personal or professional circumstances that would cause them to rethink the way work fit into their life. They don’t suffer in silence because they have the skills to present options that make sense for everyone.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in work+life fit nirvana:

• Most employees have no idea that they, not their manager, need to come up with solutions when work and personal circumstances change. And, even if they did, most wouldn’t know how. Further complicating matters is the fear saying anything in today’s economic environment that would put their job at risk.
• Most managers are afraid to say anything that would get them sued, and quite frankly, they “just don’t want to get into it.” They don’t know enough about each person’s life and tasks of their job to come up with a workable solution, and they aren’t comfortable getting into the details of “why” behind the desire for a different work+life fit.

As a result, the ongoing conversation doesn’t happen which leads to a productivity-draining, engagement-sucking, stress-inducing stalemate that hurts everyone.

How to break the stalemate and start the conversation without getting into “it”

Thankfully, more employers recognize that they need to break the deadlock. Increasingly I’m being asked, “How do we get employees to tell us what would work for them and for us? And how do we get managers to feel comfortable having the conversation?” Here’s my advice:

1. Keep it simple by asking the question, “Do you have the flexibility to manage your work+life fit in a way that gets your job done and meets your personal needs?” The question opens the door to the discussion, keeps the focus on the job and doesn’t get into the details of the individual’s personal life. I recommend that managers pose the question to everyone at least once a year (proactive), and then use it to address any issues that come up unexpectedly before the stress and strain becomes noticeable (reactive).
2. Give employees the tools to be an effective partner and come up with a plan once the door is opened. For an example of this skill set looks like, check out the three-step work+life fit process outlined in my book. Highlights can be found in the Work+Life Fit in 5 Days series.

With a simple question and the skills to create a win-win plan, it’s possible to encourage a conversation about work+life flexibility that benefits everyone … and gets us one step closer to nirvana.

What do you think makes managers and employees more comfortable talking about how to manage life and the complex realities of work in a difficult economic reality?

Click here to check out other posts on my FastCompany blog and here to follow me on Twitter @caliyost

I felt a twinge of nostalgic sadness when I heard that Barbara Billingsley (a.k.a June Cleaver) died this past weekend.  As a child in the 70’s, I’d watch reruns of Leave it to Beaver when I stayed home sick from school sipping on Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup and nibbling on Saltines.  I loved the antics of the Beaver and Wally, and the way Mrs. Cleaver handled it all without ever breaking a sweat or raising her voice.

But it wasn’t until my newly-divorced, newly-working mother of three declared, “I’m done being June Cleaver” that I began to realize that she was more than just Beaver’s mother.  She represented something that my mother felt she had to actively reject in order to survive.  But what?

Iconic June Cleaver—the guilt inducing, unattainable 10 year old boy’s fantasy

When I became a working mother and wife 12 years ago, I finally understood.  To my mother and tens of millions of other women, June Cleaver had become an unrealistic, unattainable bar against which women in general, and mothers specifically would be judged by themselves, by men, and by society.  In order to survive, my mother felt she had to either reject June Cleaver, the icon, or wither under the relenting assault of guilt for not measuring up (see great post by my friend, Morra Aarons-Mele, “Working Mom Guilt is a Political Issue”).

According to her obituary in The New York Times, Billingsley, “…acknowledged 40 years later, her role was a picture-perfect reflection of the times. ‘We were the ideal parents because that’s the way he saw it,’ she said, describing the show as the world seen through the eyes of a child.”

This quote made me wonder, did we all miss the joke?  Did we understand that the image of perfection against which mothers have been measured for 50 years represented the fantasy of a 10 year old boy?  I honestly don’t think so. And now that we are finally in on the secret, can we move on?

Can women follow my mother’s lead and comfortably reject June Cleaver as the bar of success?

Can men stop looking for and expecting June Cleaver to greet them at the door and mother their children while contributing meaningful amounts of money to the family’s coffers?

Can company leaders, many of whom–like me–grew up charmed by the wonder that was June Cleaver, realize she never existed and never will exist.  And as a result, support the creation workplaces and cultures that support real women, men and families.

Can public policymakers stop clinging to the ideal when they cut child care, eldercare, and after school programs because June’s at home taking care of everything.  She’s not!  And she never was.

It was a 10 year old boy’s fantasy!

Ironic June Cleaver—Barbara Billingsley, single working mother

And then there’s the irony that the woman who portrayed June Cleaver, Barbara Billingsley, was herself a divorced working mother of two.

It wasn’t Barbara Billingsley’s job to point this fact out to the world.  She was being paid to play a character and she did it beautifully.

But perhaps it would have made a difference to know that the woman behind the character wasn’t a perfect suburban stay-at-home mother.  She worked and was paid to support her sons.  That’s not to say the choice not to work is wrong.  But let’s understand and acknowledge that June Cleaver wasn’t even June Cleaver and judge ourselves and others accordingly.

So, good-bye Mrs. Cleaver.  Thank you for keeping me company and making me feel safe as a little girl wrapped in a blanket on the couch as you lit up the screen.  Even more, thank you Barbara Billingsley for letting me in on the secret…you weren’t real.  You were a mother, just like me, trying to do what’s best for you and your family.

Like clockwork, around the second week of December, I begin to hear the same frustrations, “I still have all of my shopping to do.  I haven’t sent out cards or decorated my house and I have a year-end project due at work.  Every holiday season, it’s the same nightmare.”  Well, not this year.

During my recent appearance on Maggie Mistal’s Martha Stewart Network XM/SIRIUS radio show, I talked about how to start your holiday work+life fit planning…now!  I promise, if you do, you’ll be less stressed out and frazzled.  And, we could all use as much relaxed cheer as possible.   Follow these three steps to put as much joy and as little stress into your holiday work+life fit as possible(by the way, I just did them myself):

Remember, it’s not just about time management.  It’s about managing your time, energy and definitions of success.  Let’s start with…

Time: Take out your calendar.  Go to January 1, 2011 and work backwards.  Is New Year’s Eve important to you?  Do you want to celebrate it?  If yes, how?  Do you need a sitter?  If yes, start making calls to teenagers now, because they get busy.  Make reservations at your favorite restaurant or invite friends over.

Then move to December.  What holidays do you celebrate?  Mark them on your calendar.  Do you want vacation?  If yes, when?  Put in your request for vacation now and start to coordinate with teammates and clients to ensure they know your plans and offer to cover for each other.

Now add October and November to the big holiday work+life fit picture.  Are there year-end work-related deadlines that you can count on?  If yes, start to plan them into your schedule now so you can minimize last minute fire drills that can suck the joy right out of the season.

Think about what you want to accomplish related to the holidays.  What’s important to you?  Buying presents within a particular budget?  Baking cookies?  Seeing friends?  Decorating your house?  Sending cards?  Start to block off days you want to devote to these tasks.  The earlier, the better.  This is especially true if you want to avoid budget-busting last minute shopping.  Why wait?

Energy: Tired, distracted, overwhelmed, stressed.  These are the words we use too often to describe how we feel over the holidays.  And that’s because we aren’t optimizing our energy by building downtime into our holiday work+life fit.  Block off a few hours here and there to just relax even if you feel you “should” be doing something.  Watch football or read a book, but mark it down in advance or it won’t happen because there are even more demands pulling you every which way over the holidays.  Just rest.

Definitions of Success:    This is a biggie, especially for women.  When I was growing up, my mother baked delicious, wonderful cookies of all shapes and sizes during the holidays.  For many years, I felt bad that I didn’t.  But ultimately I gave that up and found the Pillsbury pre-made dough that I roll out and decorate with my children.  They love it.  Done.

Ask yourself, what really matters to you, your family and friends?  I LOVE giving and receiving holiday cards.  But I want to take my time filling out those we send and reading the ones we get, so I need to plan in advance.   But I don’t really care about fancy entertaining (although I sometimes fantasize about it).  A casual get-together with close friends and family is perfect and truthfully all I can manage without overload.

So, map out your holiday work+life fit today.  Bring more joy (and less stress) to this season by optimizing your time, energy and definitions of success over the next three months at work and in the other parts of your life.  There’s no better gift you can possibly give yourself…and everyone else around you.

How do you manage the fit between work and the other parts of your life to be as joyful and stressfree as possible over the holidays?  When do you start planning?

Somehow last week turned into a spontaneous celebration of the potential within the Gen-Y/Millennial generation that’s just waiting to be fully tapped. Everywhere I turned, articles, conversations, and presentations reaffirmed my belief that we need to move past the intergenerational finger-pointing and harness the good, albeit different, approaches to work and life that the Gen-Y/Millennial generation offers.

Because it’s their inherent flexibility, openness, and communication skills that hold the key to future success in business and life for all of us, if carefully mined.

It started when I read an article in this month’s Fast Company magazine by Nancy Lublin, CEO (and self-described “Chief Old Person”) of Do Something entitled, “In Defense of Millennials.” As an employer of 19 full-time millennial staffers, Lublin shared how she flips the common complaints lodged against the generation on end and makes them into a positive:

Compliant #1–they multi-task: Lublin agrees that they do, and often not with great success but that isn’t going to change. So, instead, “I see my role as defining a clear goal, giving her the resources to take the shot, and then getting out of her way while she takes the dunk.”
Complaint #2–they share too much information on their social networks: Lublin sees it as, “Free advertising.”
Complaint #3–they are entitled: Lublin believes it makes them hungry for responsibility and she gives it to them.
Complaint #4–they require too much praise: Lublin feels that we all need more praise, so gives it freely.

But it’s the last paragraph in which she wonders, “Maybe the real problem isn’t this generation–maybe it’s that the rest of us don’t manage them for greatness, for maximum effect,” that rang in my ears when I met with a terrific senior leader last week.

We met for lunch prior to a work+life fit strategy session I facilitated for his group. I asked him, “So how have you found working with the millennial employees in your organization?” He smiled and proceeded to share the following story that perfectly illustrated their power to get things done when we guide and let them, (Click here for more)

Someone recently asked me, “I hear what you say about flexibility needing to be strategic to be real, but what does that mean? What does it look like?”

To answer this excellent question, here are 10 signs that will tell you whether work+life flexibility in your organization is a real strategy with broad impact or simply a program that sounds good, but doesn’t lead to meaningful change:

Sign #1: It’s an employee-employer partnership where everyone understands their role and has the skills to make flexibility a win for the business and for individuals.

Sign #2: It’s not driven solely by HR or the women’s initiative. It lives and breathes in the day-to-day reality of the culture and business as “Just the way we all work.”

Sign #3: When someone under 30 years old says, “I’m going to leave early but will finish this up at home tonight,” the first reaction from managers isn’t, “He doesn’t want to work hard.”

Sign #4: When a valuable team member approaches retirement, conversations start well in advance about how he or she might stay connected with a reduced schedule or working on a project-basis.

Sign #5: The careers of mothers who want flexibility to manage their work+life fit aren’t unfairly penalized because fathers and those caring for aging adults have just as much flexibility.
(Click here for Signs 6-10)

When I was little, my friends and I played variations of the game “When!” We held our breath until someone yelled, “When!” Kept our eyes wide open until someone shouted, “When!”

I’m reminded of this game when I’m helping a group of employees optimize their work+life fit and someone will say, “Yeah, my work is done for the day and I want to leave the office, but I don’t want to be the first one to get up and I don’t want to leave before my boss.” In other words, they are waiting for someone else to say, “When!”

But two things happen. First, everyone else is waiting and watching not wanting to make the first move. And, further complicating matters, are those few people in the office who can and want to stay later, therefore, unintentionally raising the bar for everyone else. So, how do you leave, assuming you are at a good stopping point with your work, whether or not anyone else is?

Challenge the “Yeah, But … “

This “yeah, but … ” fear of leaving before your peers and/or boss is one of the primary work+life fit roadblocks that I address in chapter 10 of my book. To move past it, here’s a three step process that I use in my workshops.

Step 1) Determine if the “yeah but, I can’t leave before my peers/boss leaves” fear is based on fact. (Click here for more)