Because the recent debate regarding mothers and work has focused on mothers who “opt out,” or mothers who’ve left the workforce and want to get back in, it’s perpetuated an assumption that most mothers would prefer not to work after having children.  The problem is that it’s not true.

Yes, having children causes every mother (and many fathers, for that matter) to reevaluate the role work plays in their lives.  Some mothers will choose to step out of the workforce.  But lost in the debate is the fact that, for many mothers, their personal and professional realities support a decision to work full-time, either because they have to or want to.  Yet this assumption that “mothers don’t work” causes these full-time working mothers to not only experience personal doubts about their choice even though everything is fine at home and at work, but to feel judgment from others.   Continue Reading…

Tom’s Story

I met Tom last night when I spoke to a group of accountants who had been with their firm less than four years. Tom was one of the leaders in charge of these new hires, and his presence confirmed his value to the firm. Only the most high-potential leaders are usually invited to attend these events.

He asked what my speech was about. I told him I would show the group how each employee could begin to strategically partner with the firm to manage their unique work+life “fit” throughout the transitions in their life and career. “That’s great,” he said, “because it’s a struggle for all of us including me.” And with that he opened his laptop and asked, “Want to see my son?” Tom showed me pictures of his adorable child. “That’s my boy,” he said with a huge smile on his face. Then he got serious. “You know, it’s so hard to find time with him, and to be a help to my wife who is home full-time but still needs support. When I get home most nights at 9:00 p.m., I’m not seeing my son at all, and my wife is going to bed because she’s so exhausted. I’m glad to see you’re here because I wonder sometimes if there’s a place for me at this firm because my family is so important to me.” “Oh no,” I thought to myself, “not again.”

Continue Reading…

This past week I spoke on a terrific panel at the Executives Moms Spring Luncheon in New York City (www.executivemoms.com). The title of the discussion was “Over FULFILLED…(Or Never Quite)? What Lies Beneath the Complicated, Driven, Rewarding Life of an Executive Mom?”

The panel was moderated by Good Morning America’s weekend host, Kate Snow, who is the mom of two children under 3 years old. Joining me as a panelist was Barbara K (http://www.barbarak.com), a mother of one son, who sells the well-known barbarak brand of tools for women and will be appearing on her own home improvement show on the E! Network. And Lisa McCloud, the author of Forget Perfect: For Every Woman Who Has Ever Put Herself Last on Her Own Priority List, who is the mother of two daughters (www.forgetperfect.com). Continue Reading…

This past week three of the country’s most high-profile women’s advocacy groups—National Organization for Women, Feminist Majority Foundation, and the National Council of Women’s Organizations—made headlines by announcing their plans to publicly protest the departure of Elizabeth Vargas from the anchor position of ABC’s “World News Tonight.” They sent a letter to ABC News President, David Westin, calling the move a “clear demotion,” and a “dispiriting return to the days of discrimination against women that we thought were behind us.” (Washington Post 5/29/06) Continue Reading…

British Conservative Party Leader David Cameron, the 39 year old top contender to replace Tony Blair in the UK’s upcoming elections, caused a stir this week. In a controversial speech at the Google Zeitgeist Europe 2006 Conference in England, he laid out “work/life” as a key focus of his party’s political agenda. (Full transcript of the speech).

His speech was remarkable for the mere fact that it happened. But also because it was delivered by the leader of the country’s pro-business party. When the right-of-center candidate says “Improving our society’s sense of well-being is, I believe, the central political challenge of out times,” it’s clear that governmental leaders are beginning to see the need for new models for managing work and the rest of life. Cameron believes that for individuals and nations to thrive in the 21st Century, “Our goal is clear: to move beyond a belief in the Protestant work ethic alone to a modern vision of ethical work.” Continue Reading…

“I’d love to change the way work fits into my life, but I have too much of it,” is one of the top three excuses people use for not finding a better work+life “fit.” Too much work, or overwork, is part of the challenge of the 24/7 work reality. According to the 2004 study Overwork in America by Families and Work Institute (FWI), “one-third of all U.S. employees can be viewed as chronically overworked.” Ironically, being overworked is the reason these individuals need a new “fit.” But they don’t try to create a new fit because they have too much work. It’s vicious cycle. Getting past the excuses and finding a solution requires answering the question: “What is overwork?” But, there’s not a straight-forward answer. Here’s why: Continue Reading…

Meredith Viera’s move to the Today Show (NYT 4/6/06) reinforces a powerful and important message. Strategically adjusting your work+life “fit” to support your unique realities actually helps your career in the long run. It allows you to continue doing work you love, while finding time and energy for your personal life. But it requires seeing beyond the “all or nothing,” and redefining success for yourself, so that you feel good about the “fit” you are pursuing—even if other people don’t understand it. Continue Reading…

Redefining Success–Caregiving: What Does it Mean to be a “Good” Caregiver of an Aging Parent?
Adjusting your personal definition of success to support your “fit” is critical. In addition to money, prestige, and advancement, caregiving is one of the aspects of success that you may need to redefine. What does it mean to be a “good” caregiver–father, mother, or adult child of an aging parent—in the context of your desired work+life fit. That definition will be different for everyone.

Last week’s blog posting examined the reasons why work+life is an “everyone” issue. Both men and women experience numerous work+life fit transitions—big and small–over the course of their work and life. One of the most significant transitions comes with undertaking the care of an aging parent. With the diagnosis of my mother’s cancer three weeks ago, I joined the ranks of adult children responsible for the care of a parent facing the question, “What does it mean to be a ‘good’ eldercare giver?” Continue Reading…

The story in Lisa Belkin’s Life’s Work column in Sunday’s New York Times about the late Eugene O’Kelly, chairman of KPMG hit a nerve with me. During my vacation, I struggled to honor my pledge not to work at all. That experience forced me to revisit the question that I come back to often: How much of our work+life fit conflict is our own doing? In other words, are we often our own worst enemy when it comes to setting (or rather not setting) boundaries around our work and life? It’s an important question if we hope to effectively combine work and life in the 21st century. Because the answer will require more actively managing the expectations and pressures we put on ourselves everyday.

Mr. O’Kelly’s story in Lisa Belkin’s column exemplifies perfectly how a company can do everything to help employees achieve “balance,” but unless an individual’s personal definition of success and expectations change, it will have no effect. Perhaps, until it’s too late. She talks about Mr. O’Kelly’s book called, Chasing Daylight: How My Forthcoming Death Transformed My Life published after his death. He was the chairman and chief executive of KPMG, one of the country’s largest accounting firms, when he learned last May that he had an inoperable brain tumor. Continue Reading…

Money and decisions about work+life “fit” are deeply intertwined. Two transitions that often prompt a reevaluation of the role work and money play in life were in the news this week: retirement and having a baby.

The old model of retirement continues to fade as more companies announce reductions of corporate supported pension benefits. (NYTimes 2/9/06) And, the ongoing work and motherhood debate reignited when the death of Betty Freidan last week prompted reflections on the state women’s lives in 2006, both at home and in the workplace. (Knight Ridder 2/7/06, NYTimes 2/8/06) Continue Reading…