I am an extrovert. Give me a room full of people to meet and talk to for hours, and I’m in heaven. So why am I such a big fan of the new book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Crown, 2012) by Susan Cain?

Like many extroverts, I was surprised to learn that anywhere from one-third to one-half of the population are introverts. In other words, a lot of people we come into contact with everyday don’t thrive on endless meetings, don’t want to solve a problem by talking about it with a group for hours, don’t enjoy jumping into a conversation and just “throwing out ideas,” and don’t want to attend lunches, conferences, and dinners all the time.

These activities are like a shot of adrenaline for extroverts. But they suck the energy right out of our more introverted counterparts.  That doesn’t mean extroverts are wrong and introverts are right. Cain is a big fan of extroverts, as you will see in the book.

It’s about awareness. If extroverts better understood our more introverted friends, colleagues and family members, it would make our lives better in the following ways:

Communication with others would improve. Does this scenario sound familiar? You’re in a meeting with a group of people. Everyone is sharing their thoughts and opinions freely, except for a couple of people who are quietly listening.

Chances are the extroverts in the room assume those individuals are being quiet because they don’t have anything to add. But after the meeting, you run into one of the listeners in the hall and they comment, “You know we should really consider doing x, y, z.”  And you say, “What a great idea! Why didn’t you share that in the meeting?” And they respond with a hint of frustration, “It was hard to get a word in edgewise.”

Knowing that introverts tend to like to listen, gather their thoughts, and then share their insights uninterrupted, extroverts could make it a point to pause discussions periodically, and ask, “Does anyone have something to add?” And then wait a moment for a response. This would give those who are more introverted the space they need to contribute comfortably.

If we understood how each of our “types” processed and shared information, we’d communicate better with each other at work, at home, and in our communities.

We would be better parents and partners.  I may be an extrovert, but I’ve always been attracted to the strong, silent type. It’s not surprising that my wonderful husband of more than 20 years is more introverted.

After a long day at work, he just needs some space; therefore, I wait to barrage him with questions and stories of my day. Or when we spend time with my extended (and more extroverted) family and he disappears after a certain point, I know he’s gone to find some quiet place to just sit and regroup. I understand why and don’t take it personally.

In terms of parenting, it was an exchange with my older daughter six years ago that first prompted me to understand the difference between the two types.

She was in second grade and I had volunteered for playground duty. I had been stationed far away from the playground by the door into the school. Next to that door was a basketball hoop where my daughter stood shooting baskets alone. I asked her, “Don’t you want to go play with your friends?” She responded calmly, “No, that’s OK; I want to be with you. I shoot baskets here by myself all the time.”

My uneducated, extroverted first response was, “What? Why do you do that, honey? Go up a play with your friends. I’ll be fine and it’s more fun to play with everyone.” She looked confused, “But Mom, I like to shoot baskets alone.” Yikes! I could see that I had unintentionally made her feel bad, and I realized in that moment she wasn’t like me.

Like her dad, she needed time to herself after a busy, intense morning in the classroom. I had to recognize that and support her, even though all I’d want to do is dive into a big group of screaming, laughing friends. Today she’s a super confident, happy young woman with friends whom she loves and who love her, but she still needs her breaks. That’s OK.

Cain’s book offers more extroverted parents and partners a helpful roadmap for understanding and honoring their more introverted loved ones. It has really helped me.

We could benefit from adopting more introverted behaviors, especially quiet time and listening. About twenty years ago, I started to suffer from the physical wear and tear of my high-intensity, highly extroverted, always-on-the-go existence. My mother was an introvert (I get my extroversion from my grandfather) and practiced meditation religiously. She suggested that I try to be quiet for a few minutes each day. Because I’d exhausted all of the medical options for treating my symptoms, I gave it a shot. It’s was a miracle.

Twenty minutes a day of sitting quietly, journaling, breathing, made all the difference physically, emotionally, spiritually. Introverts tend to stop and regroup naturally because they crave it. We extroverts have to be more thoughtful and deliberate about our down time, but we benefit from it just as much.

Introverts are also excellent, natural listeners. My husband can go to a party, talk to just a few people, but gather information that I hadn’t heard even though I’d talked to everyone. I’ll ask him how he does it and the answer is always the same, “I stopped talking, paid attention, and listened.”

While my natural inclination remains to say “hi” to and know as many people in a room as possible, I catch myself periodically. I try to spend more one-on-one time with fewer people and I make myself stop talking (if I remember) long enough to listen more. I’ll never be like my husband, but I enjoy experimenting with aspects of his style.

What do you think? Are you an extrovert who has benefited from understanding the gifts and behaviors of your more introverted friends, colleagues and family members? What have you done differently once you gained that awareness?

Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Crown, 2012) is a wonderful guide to help us all understand ourselves and each other more fully.  Here’s how you can learn more and connect with Susan Cain:

• Buy the book
• Read Susan Cain’s “The Power of Introverts” blog
• Follow Susan Cain on Twitter @susancain
• Connect with Susan Cain on Facebook

(This post originally appeared in Fast Company)

We’re in Day 4 of the “Work+Life Fit in 5 Days” series of how-to basics, and today we’re answering the smallest and yet most difficult question, “What Do You Want?”  This is your work+life fit vision.

We started, on the Work+Life Fit blog, by explaining why an initial picture of where you want to go is important. In other words, what do you want your final work+life fit to look like?

THE TOOLS

The three tools for tapping into your internal guidance and creating a powerful work+life fit vision include the mind (the fact-based information you need to succeed), the body (taking care of yourself physically), and finally the spirit-based tools.  What do I mean by “spirit-based” tools and how do they help access your internal guidance which informs your work+life fit vision?  That’s the topic of this Day 4 post.

Let’s start by defining spirit-related tools, and then look at some of the day to day practices you can use to access your unique internal guidance.

I’ve witnessed countless examples of work+life fit success over the last 15 years.  In all cases, each individual did his or her homework (gathered the rational, logical data) but then followed their internal guidance and did what made sense for them.

I’m a living example.  When I consciously began my personal work+life fit journey 18 years ago, for the first time in my life I followed my internal guidance (as well as gathered information and took better care of myself physically).  It was the only way I was able to make my major work+life fit transition from corporate banker to work+life strategy consultant.  I will share my story at the end of the post. Fun fact, Sue Shellenbarger of The Wall Street Journal played a big role at one point in my story.  I am forever grateful to her to this day!

SPIRIT-RELATED TOOLS AND YOUR INTERNAL GUIDANCE

Excerpt from Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You

“Again, spirit simply means understanding that which is uniquely you—your values, beliefs, and priorities, as you define them—and how they are expressed in your life as a whole, not just in work. And then using that understanding to create an imaginative insight into how you want work to fit into your life.

As the opening line of this book states, I believe that we are all put on the earth with a specific set of skills and talents that we are to use to fulfill our life’s purpose in all areas of our life—not just work.

While I believe that the logical, head-based approach to your work+life vision can help you identify your skills and talents, only your spirit provides the context for how and where to use them to fulfill your life’s purpose. And this purpose can change, depending upon what stage of life you’re in.

By using the tool of spirit, your internal guidance will help you with the answers to those big life questions:

• Who am I, as a whole, not just as a worker?
• What is my purpose, not just at work but in my life as a whole?
• What do I love to do at work and in my personal life?
• What are my unique talents and gifts?

The answers to such questions form the context within which your internal guidance analyzes data from the mind and body. This is why spirit is such an important tool for creating your work+life vision. It considers all of who you are and not just your “work-self.” Again, with the tool of spirit, you are able to dream and achieve much bigger things than your more limited logical mind could ever conceive.” (Click here for more and to print or download PDF).

PRACTICES TO ACCESS YOUR INTERNAL GUIDANCE…(Click here to go to Fast Company for more)

In the movie “Up In the Air,” there’s a scene in which George Clooney’s character talks to a friend on the phone following a difficult encounter.  It’s been a real wakeup call for him, and the friend says, “Ryan, what do you want?”  With a confused look on his face, he says nothing.  His friend finally responds, “You have no idea, do you.”

“What do you want?”  Sounds like a simple question, but my experience is that it is one of the most difficult questions for people to answer honestly and clearly.  They have absolutely no trouble ticking of the laundry list of things they don’t want.  But when pressed with, “Okay, but what do you want?” they respond like Ryan Bingham.  Speechless and dumbstruck.

If you want to make your work+life fit a reality, you have to have a general understanding or picture of what you want first.  As hockey legend Wayne Gretzky responded when asked how he scored so many goals, “I skate to where the puck is going to be.” (quote courtesy of Sam Horn).

Therefore, Day 4 of the “Work+Life Fit in 5 Days” Series is devoted to creating your work+life fit vision.

First, let’s look back at Days 1, 2 and 3 of the series.  Hopefully, you see how the “how-to” basics we’ve covered set you up nicely to begin to answer this tiny, troublesome question:

• Day 1: you learned there is no right answer of “balance.”  And you began to see all of the work+life fit possibilities from making both small and big adjustments in how, when and where you worked and managed your life.
• Day 2: you learned to recognize and challenge roadblocks that pop up when your definition of success related to money, prestige, advancement and caregiving is too limited and rigid.
• Day 3: you learned how to challenge the all too common, “Yes, buts…” and “What if,…” fear roadblocks that inevitably litter the path to a better work+life fit.

You’re open and you’re ready.  Let’s get started!  The information in this post and in the accompanying Fast Company post for Day 4 is so important that I’ve included even more book excerpts, so please read.  Good stuff!

WHAT IS A WORK+LIFE FIT VISION?

Excerpt from Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You (Note: when I wrote the book, work+life fit was not the accepted terminology, so I refer to the vision as the “work+life” vision.  Today, substitute work+life fit vision).

“By definition a vision is ‘an imaginative insight into a subject or problem’ (Oxford American Dictionary).  Therefore, by creating your work+life vision, you are creating an imaginative insight into how you want work to fit into your life as a whole.

In other words, your vision is not how someone else sees working fitting into your life, but how you see it.  It’s not how work should fit in, but how you want it to fit in.  And it’s not how does your life fit into your work, but how do you imagine work fitting into your life.  This is your work+life vision.”  (Click here for more, and to print or download PDF).

Takeaway Action Step

Like any journey, you have to start with an idea of where you want to go before you begin. In this case, you can’t analyze and change your work and personal realities as part of the Work+Life Fit roadmap (which we will cover in Day 5)without a guiding vision of what you want those changes to help you achieve.

Your work+life fit vision will change countless times over the course of your life and career. After you’ve consciously articulated what you want, you will repeat the process many times in the future.  Like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets.

WORK+LIFE FIT VISION: THE TOOLS YOU WILL NEED

If I had to pick a favorite chapter from my book, it would be this one.  The little hairs on my arms stand up every time I read it.  Why?  Because I know that if more people had and understood the Work+Life Fit visioning tools, not only would their personal reality be transformed, but our collective reality would improve beyond measure.  But, sadly, most of us have no idea they exist, or how to use them.

Excerpt from Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You

“In the definition of work+life vision—creating an imaginative insight into how you want work to fit into your life as a whole—the most important words are imaginative and insight.  Why?  These are the words that describe the importance of looking within in order to see the possibilities for your life.  This is how you create your work+life vision.

GROUND RULES:  Leave All ‘Reality’ at the Door, Now It’s Time to Dream!

The only way you’re going to create a vision that truly reflects how you want work to fit into your life is to check ‘reality’ at the door.  You’ll have plenty of time to worry about reality later.  But for now there are no limits, no ‘shoulds,’ ‘cant’s,’ ‘oughts,’ ‘yes buts,’ or ‘what ifs.’  There are only the possibilities and dreams.  Only ‘why nots.’”  (Click here for more, and to print and download PDF)

Takeaway Actions Steps:

There are two possible approaches to creating your unique work+life fit vision: 1) the head-based approach, or 2) the heart-based approach. Neither one is right or wrong, but the heart-based approach adds the power of your internal guidance, that “still, small voice,” to the mix.   As I say in the book, “If you remember only one reason for listening to your internal guidance, it’s this:  Only your internal guidance dreams bigger dreams for your life than your “rational” mind could begin to imagine.”

The Mind, Body and Spirit tools are the key to the heart-based approach for creating your work+life fit vision. All three play an important role, and I’m not talking about religion when I say “spirit.”

The “mind” tools are pretty self-explanatory.  This includes case studies, advice, and research that give you the information you need to succeed.  How have other individuals and organizations benefited from a more flexible work+life fit reality?  What did they do?

The “body” tools are also pretty straightforward.  You want to have access all of your energy and creativity in order to hear your internal guidance and create a work+life fit vision that’s as clear as possible.   And you need all of the resources possible finalize your plan based on that vision and make it a reality.  You do this by taking care of yourself physically as much as possible.

I cover the “spirit” tools and the power of internal guidance in my Fast Company post from today.  I outline strategies for accessing your internal guidance to develop your work+life fit vision, but I also share my personal story.  How my internal guidance informed my work+life fit transition almost 20 years ago from banker to work+life flexibility strategy consultant.

FINDING THE TIME TO USE THE TOOLS AND TO CREATE YOUR VISION (EXERCISES)

Excerpt from Work+Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You

“Over the years, I’ve shared the power of the mind, body and spirit tools to resolve work/life conflict.  And clients and workshop participants so often responded: ‘That sounds great, but when am I supposed to find the time to do all of that?’
When I reluctantly started down the path of seeking my internal guidance, I never believed I’d find the time to use one tool, never mind three.  However, the more unhappy and unhealthy I felt I knew that I simply needed to find the time.  I looked at my life and found time by watching less TV, and going to bed earlier so that I could wake up an hour earlier to meditate and write in my journal.  I made sure I left work on time to make it to yoga class.”  (Click here for more, and to print or download PDF)

Takeaway Action Steps

My personal and professional experience is that you can find the time.  You just have to look, and you don’t really have to do that much to start to notice increased clarity about what you want in your work+life fit.  Here are some suggestions from the chapter excerpt above:

• Complete the “How Connected Are You to Your Internal Guidance?
• Try the very basic, super simple “Mind, Body, Spirit” tools practice for one week

What do you want?  How to you create your work+life fit vision?

Entire “Work+Life Fit in 5 Days” Series:

Day 1: What is Work+Life Fit? / Seeing the Possibilities

Day 2:  Challenge Roadblocks — Redefine Success:  Money and Prestige / Advancement and Caregiving

Day 3:  Challenge Roadblocks — Fear

Day 4:  What Do You Want? / Your Internal Guidance and My Story

Day 5:  Creating Your Work+Life Fit Plan–Making It a Win-Win

Want More:

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